So, it turns out the newest version of SMF had some major issues. I've downgraded to the latest version of the older version (don't worry it's still updated) until I can get the newest version to work in my testing environment. It wasn't only me. Tons of people were having issues with the newest version of SMF. Something's borked about the install.
When we do upgrade, or rather if, I will make sure to carry over all the databases. You can't port 2.2 to 2.0 but you can port 2.0 to 2.2. You won't have to register again.
Things fixed with this downgrade:
HTTPS not working. Yeah, I have an SSL but the other version of SMF refused it.
Links work! Horray!
Here's a test! Thank you JoyPadLad for showing me this issue. It's apparently a big issue with the new 2.2 SMF.
Your profiles fully work!
All of my admin back end works! - lol yes in 2.2 I was having backend issues. I fixed some of them but holy fuck was that annoying. I promise you 2.0 is much more stable.